Roses
by flyinpigmarathon
Summary: While on a routine patrol with a certain raven-haired noble, Shuuhei realizes that something has to change. Slight Bya/Shuu slash. Oneshot.


**A/N: Okay, so I'm missing Shuuhei right now. As much as I love Ichigo and how cute Orihime has gotten (I like her, okay? I usually hate female leads, but I find her endearing. Sue me), I miss my Shinigami. I never really had a soft spot for Byakuya before, but I decided to try this out. Happy reading!**

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Shuuhei used to think that having a psychopath in his head was hell. Now he realizes that this is much worse. He is sitting in the same room—_so close_—and he can't even risk a quick glance. He's supposed to be the calm and collected officer his division admires. He can just imagine Renji teasing him for his crush. No; it's more likely Renji would rush him to the 4th division to get his head checked. After all, this _is_ Byakuya Kuchiki Shuuhei's trying not to ogle.

The Captains and Lieutenants are in a routine meeting. Usually Shuuhei would be paying rapt attention, but now he cannot for the life of him concentrate on whatever the discussion is. Maybe something about experiment or fungus… Ah, there it was again! That soft yet cold reitsu tickling his skin, making his mind whirl. Shuuhei glanced to his left, but Kuchiki was fixated on the meeting like always.

His fixation on the Captain started a month ago, when he was still obsessing over his sword and killing Tousen. Shuuhei and Captain Kuchiki were patrolling the forests of Rukongai together by order of Head Captain Yamamoto. Shuuhei was off in his own world, trying to ignore the chilled and awkward atmosphere. Byakuya Kuchiki wasn't exactly the type to hold a conversation with the likes of Shuuhei, so they'd been walking in silence for a while. Shuuhei was sure that the day would end in them going back to their divisions without a single word said. He didn't like those types of people, who pretended no one else but them existed. Shuuhei walked beside the Captain, hardly even glancing at the raven-haired man.

Neither one of them found the need to do anything other than stare ahead, lost in their own thoughts, until they came across a pack of hollows. The hollows weren't anything special, though they did keep Kuchiki's hands full for a while as Shuuhei faced the arrancar that was in the mix. Shuuhei wasn't sure why he was left with the stronger one, but didn't have much time to ponder it before the arrancar attacked.

The arrancar wasn't as strong as Findor had been, but Shuuhei still exhausted himself as he tried fighting it with his sword sealed. The arrancar was hawk-like; fast, striking once before flitting out of range. It was thin and lean, with a beak that hid most of its face, and its skin a shade that reminded Shuuhei of a plucked chicken. It didn't look very strong, but it was quick enough to always flit out of range. He lasted a few minutes without using his shikai, but for the sake of his time and energy, he knew it was time to bring in the big guns. Kuchiki must've been done with the lesser hollows by then, but Shuuhei barely registered that fact as he called out Kazeshini.

He felt the double scythes in his hands and the power rippling through him. Electricity ran through his veins. As he swung a blade above his head, he could see the arrancar's fear. He could _feel_ it.

Power did something to Shuuhei, something which he always tried to keep hidden. Whenever he saw his opponent tremble in fear, he knew he had supreme control. He wasn't sure when this secret pleasure originated, but he had a feeling that it started when a hollow ripped three gashes down his face. Never before had he felt so vulnerable; never before had he wanted to kill something so badly. When he saw terror in another being's eyes, he felt as though nothing could harm him; he felt invincible. This crazed reaction to fear scared him. He didn't want to know what he could become. He hated his zanpakuto for materializing into the physical form of his inner demons and he hated himself for being too weak without that curved blade in his hand. So, instead of fighting with his malevolent spirit, he fought it, and filled himself with ideals of justice.

He usually had a firm grip on his darker desires. However, after killing Tousen, his grasp loosened to the point where he always felt the thrill of the hunt coursing through him during battle, making him high on the exhilaration. When he drove his sword through Tousen's neck, the ideals and words the Captain had fed Shuuhei disappeared for that instant. Blood had soaked through his clothes and his heart raced at the satisfying feeling. He realized what he had done a moment later and the shame and knowledge of that gratification stuck with him ever since.

The bird-arrancar was squawking, tumbling away as Shuuhei launched one of his scythes. Blood splattered across the grass and he reveled in the way it stained the area around him.

The fight didn't last long. Both Kazeshini and Shuuhei were lost in the shrill screams of the arrancar. Shuuhei felt weightless and indestructible as he delivered the deciding stroke. When he felt the blade connect and heard the cry of the arrancar cut short, he laughed.

He almost didn't realize that he made the sound, but Kazeshini's approval made his mind clear and relive the moment. He dropped his weapon, like it was a poisonous snake. He'd laughed, _laughed_ as he cut down an enemy. No amount of "justice" could excuse this.

He felt dirty. The blood stained his uniform and his now sealed blade. He sheathed his sword, turning back to Byakuya whom he forgot was even there. He tried to mold his expression into his practiced face of stern indifference, but he could tell from the Captain's almost undetectable expression of concern (for him or society?) that he was failing. Instead of facing the Captain, he walked past him and continued their trek. Great, now another person knew he messed up he was.

They walked for a several minutes and Shuuhei could feel Kuchiki's eyes on him the entire time.

"Purifying hollows is a Shinigami's duty," Kuchiki-taichou finally stated after minutes of silence. Shuuhei stumbled over a root. Was Kuchiki trying to comfort him? Impossible.

"Purifying? That was _slaughtering_," he objected.

"The end result is the same."

"Didn't anyone ever tell that the journey is more important than the destination?" he muttered, in his self-disgust forgetting who he was talking to.

"The best journeys are not always in straight lines," Kuchiki recited. Shuuhei felt like groaning. Were they really going to have a battle of proverbs?

"Yeah, and they're filled with thorns, too," he continued, his voice hinting his irritation. God, this was stupid. He needed the wise words of his mentor, not the recycled sayings of a noble with a stick up his ass.

"If you look above them, you will discover roses," came the reply.

Shuuhei was a firm believer that if life gave you lemons, then you have to deal with them until they're gone. Nothing good could come out of his yearning to _kill _and _dominate_. Kuchiki had no idea what Shuuhei was going through. How dare he act like the all-knowing prophet when he never looked beyond his own nose!

"There aren't any fucking roses," Shuuhei spat out, completely disregarding the etiquette he usually prided himself on. He turned towards Kuchiki to continue, but a stern glare twisted his tongue into knots.

"Then you aren't looking hard enough," Kuchiki rebuked.

Kuchiki's pure white scarf and kenseikan glowed in the last rays of the sun. The man's mouth was in its usual thin line, but his eyes were full of something akin to regret. It was the first time Shuuhei had seen the man with any emotion beyond frustration and all he could do was stop and stare. There was no furious reaction to Shuuhei's insubordination on the man's face. Kuchiki was actually trying to help him. The Captain nearly looked vulnerable, like this talk with Shuuhei was opening old wounds. Shuuhei remembered how Kuchiki's wife died and how the noble's sister almost died by his own hands. Hm, sound familiar, Shuuhei? Kuchiki even talking to him showed how he was healing, so why couldn't Shuuhei do the same?

Shuuhei wanted to laugh, cry, or do something other than stand there mouth agape. He settled for taking another step forward and continuing their walk. Neither one of them said anything more. Something passed between them -a mutual understanding-and words weren't necessary.

It was starting to get dark and Shuuhei stilled. The dark used to frighten him, remind him of demons lurking in the shadows. With Byakuya by his side, all he saw were trees and bushes. Navigating the dark was much easier with a bright light to guide the way.

Shuuhei had some soul-searching to do. There were so many aspects of him that didn't fit together. He was incomplete. It would take time, but he would need to rebuild himself, until there weren't any cracks or holes left.

Shuuhei wasn't sure why Byakuya gave him advice (if he could call it that…) and he didn't think he would ever know. He didn't mind the mystery. Solving it would come later. At the moment, he was content with walking by Byakuya's side. If the beautiful man walked off the side of the earth, Shuuhei would have followed.

Parting ways at the gate of Seireitei was difficult. As he watched his light walk away without a backwards glance, Shuuhei started to panic. He had this new awareness of himself that scared him. He knew what he had to become, but he didn't know how. He was alone, no one but Byakuya and his zanpakuto knowing of the monster that was inside him. Byakuya left him, didn't offer anything other than some obscure advice. Who could he rely on? He only had himself.

When the answer hit him, he wondered if people were wrong to call him a genius. Of course, he only had himself. Did he actually expect someone to give him an answer every time he was in trouble? He had to rely on his own strength and get through this alone. He had to discover his own desires and inner demons and conquer them himself. Only then could he stand in front of Byakuya and tell him _Thank you_.

He didn't see Byakuya aside from the occasional meeting in run-in for the next several months. He spent all his free time training and delving deep inside places he never wanted to visit.

Setting things straight with Kazeshini was the first step in a journey of trials. Of course, the spirit was less-than-willing to cooperate. However, once Shuuhei finally let himself go and almost beat Kazeshini to a pulp, the spirit had a change of attitude. _Took you long enough to get a backbone. I couldn't let someone who was afraid of me control me. You know, at that time, Tousen was right; there wasn't any fear in your eyes. Now, I don't see any fear either. Keep it that way._

His laugh during his patrol with Byakuya haunted him. He dreamed that he was standing over a pool of blood, looking at himself in the liquid's reflection, seeing only a disfigured was helpful. It took a lot of thinking, pondering, insight, and a few (painful) kicks in the right direction from Kazeshini for Shuuhei to stop the nightmares.

When he trained, he used his shikai often. Instead of only wielding the blade, he learned to feel its path and direction. He stopped holding himself back and felt more in-tune with his zanpakuto than ever before. Holding the double scythes in his hands used to make him tremble with disgust, but after a while they started to feel natural. He'd been blaming all his insecurities on the blades and once he'd taken those faults to be his own, Kazeshini became a part of him again.

It took months, but he finally came to an understanding; he wasn't a monster. He was just someone who needed an outlet. Fighting wasn't something to be taken lightly, but it also wasn't something he could avoid. Just as he couldn't avoid his bloodlust. It was a part of him and he finally understood that.

He never felt more complete.

**XXX**

Now in the meeting, Shuuhei wants nothing more than to drag Byakuya out of the room and thank him repeatedly for being the trigger that got Shuuhei out of his pool of misery. He's no longer the young Shinigami that was afraid of his own inner demons. He is the proud Lieutenant who won't succumb to his own desires and fears. He wants Byakuya to know that.

When they are finally free, Byakuya immediately heads towards the door. He glances back and motions Shuuhei with a crook of his finger. He flashsteps away and Shuuhei quickly follows.

Shuuhei isn't sure how Byakuya knew his intentions, but he chooses to focus on the forest instead of confusing questions. They weave through trees and over rivers. Shuuhei barely notices the beautiful way the light shines through the leaves or the sparkling of the water. All his thoughts revolve around the Captain and how he will react.

By the time they reach Byakuya's destination, Shuuhei is almost exhausted. The clearing they are standing in is peaceful. No one will disturb them. The grass field is surrounded by tall and thick trees. The entire area is bathed in sunlight. It's perfect.

"Captain Kuchiki," Shuuhei says once he catches his breath. If he doesn't start now, then the nerves of being alone with Byakuya again will do him in.

Byakuya stares at him with the familiar mask of indifference, but now Shuuhei knows better. He takes a deep breath, before continuing. "I want to thank you. For the advice you gave me. It was really generous since you normally don't- I mean, it was really helpful and surprising…wait-"

Fantastic. This is definitely how he wants to start this conversation.

Shuuhei takes another deep breath. He stares Byakuya in the eyes, flinching when he has the urge to blush and glance away. He's being sucked in.

"I just want to say thank you," he blurts out, the words flowing naturally from him now. "Because of you, I realized I couldn't go on living that way. That I had to change." He's still keeping eye contact with the other man and it sends zolts through his body. He doesn't even think of looking away. The grey eyes in front of him are swirling, staring deep into his soul. He is overcome with the longing to step closer.

Byakuya doesn't respond. He looks at Shuuhei, watching the younger man's features. Shuuhei wonders if Byakuya is lost in him as well.

"I did it," Shuuhei continues. "I feel complete. Whole. I found the roses." Sheesh, it almost killed his dignity to say that last line, but he is glad he did.

He sees something quiver in Byakuya. It isn't a big difference, but the grey eyes are growing softer, warmer. Desire hits him hard.

Ever since that discussion in the woods, Shuuhei only has eyes for Byakuya; the man who sees Shuuhei for what he is. Even though the man is cold and distant, Shuuhei sees the fire beneath the surface. He wants to be the one to help Byakuya, like how Byakuya helped him. He wants Byakuya to only have eyes for _him_.

Well…he already made a fool out of himself. Might as well keep going, right?

He walks towards Byakuya until he is only a hairs width away. His heart is pounding and he has so struggle to remember how to breathe. Byakuya doesn't push him away (or give any encouragement but Shuuhei can ignore that), so Shuuhei swallows his nervousness and leans forward. Byakuya's eyes widen and then Shuuhei is too close to tell if he sees longing or disgust in the other's expression.

He'll probably be cut to pieces for this, but he's caught up in Byakuya's flowery scent and cold yet accepting aura that draws him in. Shuuhei presses his lips to Byakuya's, his mind and heart exploding at the contact.

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When they had first began their patrol duty, Byakuya felt no need to speak. Hisagi looked as though he was drawn in his own thoughts, as well. At that point, this was only a nuisance. It was quiet until they were attacked by a group of hollows. He let Hisagi handle the arrancar. All the enemies were child's play, but it would still be simpler to take on one than six hollows.

Hisagi's change in character once he released his shikai was shocking, to say the least. The laugh chilled Byakuya to the bone, but the tortured expression Hisagi wore made him want to aid the young man. He knew that face well and all the accompanying emotions of guilt and disgust. He's no stranger to guilt and misery. If Hisagi turned into someone like him, who closed off their emotions to the point of apathy, he wouldn't be able to stand it. From the disgust on Hisagi's face, the Lieutenant was ready to shut down all his emotions to keep that darkness at bay.

It was a split-second decision. He wanted to help, but had no idea what to say. Byakuya recognized the need and distress in the younger man and couldn't let Hisagi suffer. He wanted to prevent the Lieutenant from losing himself like Byakuya almost did when he nearly sent his sister to her death. He knew straight forward advice would do nothing. It wasn't like Hisagi's problems were a disease that could be cured with the prescribed amount of pills. He kept his advice obscure and basically pretty unhelpful on purpose. Hisagi would need to draw his own conclusions, and maybe a shared connection with Byakuya would help that.

Somehow, they started speaking in metaphors and Byakuya was finally grateful that his tutor had taken the time to drill those dull proverbs into his head. He never did anything like this before, but he found as their conversation went on, the words came to him easily. He knew what Hisagi needed to hear; it's exactly what someone should've told him before he turned into the cold person he is now.

At first he wasn't sure if his attempt at enlightenment was effective at all. After Hisagi's outburst, they both fell silent again. Even so, Byakuya had the feeling that he got through to the Lieutenant.

As they walked, he watched a sense of calm settle over Hisagi. It made his heart lurch, knowing that he was able to restore at least a part of Hisagi's mind to peace. He wanted to be near Hisagi, just in case he needed him again. Byakuya wanted to touch him, let his fingers trail over the scars on Hisagi's cheek. Maybe the Lieutenant would lean into the touch, closing his eyes from the comfort… Byakuya stopped his thoughts. This was dangerous territory. After they returned to their divisions, he put every thought of the 9th division Lieutenant out of his head. Though, sometimes Byakuya wondered if Hisagi was taking his advice. If he needed a shoulder to lean on.

In the meeting, he notices the difference in Hisagi immediately. He was stronger, confident. He keeps glancing at Byakuya and he knew that they needed to be alone. On the run to the meadow, he pondered Hisagi's possible words. He could feel his stomach twist into knots. Not a completely uncomfortable sensation.

He chooses a clearing far away from civilization on purpose. He doesn't want anyone else to see their exchange. No one else knows this side to Hisagi. He doesn't want anyone to discover his weaknesses and troubles. He's not sure whether that's to protect Hisagi or his own sense of possession over him.

Hisagi starts to stutter his gratitude, something Byakuya can't help but find endearing. Everything about Hisagi makes some part of Byakuya tingle. The way he tries so hard to be a good Lieutenant and person, his almost pitiable sense of humor, the slim and muscular shape of his body…

Hisagi is blushing. It stirs a childish desire to tease him.

When Hisagi moves closer, Byakuya knows why. He is surprised that the younger man has the courage. It's another pleasant discovery. He doesn't stop Hisagi. He tells himself that it's curiosity; to see if Hisagi's as passionate as his hidden emotions, or shy like the stuttering only moments ago.

The kiss is soft at first, like Hisagi is testing the ice. It's an offer.

He wraps his arms around Shuuhei, deepening the kiss. He doesn't hold back his chuckle at Shuuhei's squeaky gasp of delight and surprise.

He doesn't know whether to be frightened or excited.


End file.
